"What interests me is the transformation, not the monument. I don’t construct ruins, but I feel ruins are moments when things show themselves. A ruin is not a catastrophe. It is the moment when things can start again."
When I think about 2015 and the year it’s been for me, the best way I can put it is it’s been a trying year. I look back to the tremendous changes transpired—from moving up to a big girl job in the city to moving out to my own place in Jersey City, from a blog as a hobby to a blog as my side job, from growing dreams to taking chances—and realized I became someone I didn’t know could happen in just a year. And though I’ve been blessed with these beautiful opportunities, I look back on 2015 and remember that each big breakthrough was followed by moments of terrible and unfortunate incidents. I began viewing my life as one big condition of small prices I had to pay in order to see my wishes through--a mentality I later realized as my greatest irresolution. Those small prices were my significant trying moments. Trying to pick myself up again and tell myself to move forward. Trying to accept new circumstances that come with big changes. Trying to let go of things that naturally disappear with time. Trying to learn more and make sense of my increasing adult life. Trying to grow into the person I want to be for myself rather than the one I allow outside voices mold me into. Trying to engage my sense of security and embrace my irrational emotions. It was the year I found new meaning of bolder beginnings. It was my experimental year, but 2016 will be time spent cementing these beginnings into built foundations for a better purpose.
2015 was an overwhelming time for me, both perceptively and mentally. I went through enough to have altered how I felt and thought, later dictating the way I saw myself. I felt as though I lost control of who I was and let it run wild in the hands of outside judgment and perception. There was even a time where I felt so removed from who I was that I watched my life live itself from afar as I sank into the hidden depths of my sensitive mind. I had never felt so disconnected from the world before but with the embark of a new year, I have made it a personal promise to never let myself get to that point again. I have too many goals and dreams to achieve to grant myself such wasted time.
This year, I'm stripping away the mess left over from 2015. I'm decluttering my mind and transforming into my newly welcomed self. I'm laying myself out there the way I want to be seen--free from outside coloring, naked from unnecessary layers. I'm standing next to nothing so I can stop comparing myself to everything else. I'm showing it all in the simple light of black and white, the purest form of honesty. I'm getting comfortable in my own skin, redefining the term "sexy" in my own terms, without playing up a character. This is the full exposure of me and I'm learning to believe every bit of it.
So hear it goes. 2016, I am more than ready for you.
Photography by Rexon Arquiza