"Remember: despite how open, peaceful, and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves."
Finder Keepers top c/o Fashion Bunker // Forever 21 culottes // Urban Outfitters bralette // Topshop flats // H&M necklace
It's happening again. You've run into a confrontation or misunderstanding and it's blown vaguely out of proportion. How did this happen? Where did I go wrong? You're running treadmills of timeline replays, hoping to pin exactly where the crack deepened. And it's pretty much second nature to believe your own faults' impressions--somehow you misread the signs or overlooked the errors. Your intuition has failed you and now you're numb with an uncomfortable feeling pinched between stupidity and confusion.
If I had to tell a framework of a story that repeatedly epitomizes the awkward situations in my life, this one would be up there with disappointment and self-defeat as the shiny red cherries to top it off. There have been one too many times where I felt my naivety and inexperience work against me and cram me in an uncertain limbo of perceptive tug-of-war. But I hated how my shortcomings perceived me as immature or childish--my age could not have been a more blatant cone of shame garishly displaying its few years of existence. I felt obligated to overcompensate with forceful determination and blazing eagerness but it only left me feeling disheartened and intimidated in this cruel big world of adulthood. Tough love? Real life lessons? Maybe this is the fine line between age and maturity.
Well, lucky for me, self-preservation only goes so far. At some point, we're all equally struggling to guard our personal matters from interfering with our outward behaviors. So these awkward confrontations or misinterpreted communications aren't a complete result of someone's serious liability (which most of the time, is me), but the situation unfolded slightly more dramatically than anticipated. I don't have to question my character and my intellectual worth--a mistake will not define and degrade me through its humiliating taunt. It's relieving to know we are as human as we accept one another to be. Because the truth of the matter is, we emit what we feel and believe, and though we'd like to categorize our multi-tasking lives into separate discernible buckets, we still encompass all parts of us in its entirety. And that's not something any of us can successfully hide from each other, which means our interpersonal connections and interactions are met with as much willingness as we allow ourselves to meet with our personal matters from within. I may conduct extra respect and openness to ease my technical blunder but it'll only be met with as much expected exemplar from the other person as he/she feels secure personally. Our words are our scars and wounds. Maybe this is the definition of wholesome rawness.
Photography by KMTBPhotography