"Most of all I dread mediocrity: a book should either be very good or very bad, but, for its life, not mediocre. Mediocrity is something quite unpardonable."
Finders Keepers top c/o FshnBnkr // Asos jeans // Zara heels // choker necklace via Etsy // H&M layered necklace
I carry the terrible burden of feeling the need to conquer all that is attainable. The big, the small, the unusual, the bare backbones of anything. If it's within my considerable reach and I don't see a viable limitation, then why the hell not? I want to be the
jack jane of all trades--not just acquire a plethora of particular skills, but also assume a credible essence, one where the I epitomize as the go-getter and not the half-asser. Because I cradle a passionate heart that aches to explore and savor all things interesting, creative, and unique. Because I have the regretful nature that eats at my aging soul if I let opportunities slip without a first taste.
Unfortunately, that burden grows analogously heavier with my maturing dissatisfaction for mediocrity. It's all or nothing. Glorified or neglected. Because why do anything if it's not done at it's best? I mean it all seems conceptually sound and ideally palpable in the words of motivational speaking. And the perception of it is widely praiseful and blatantly dignified in the eyes of the American dream. But the real problem lies in its underestimated execution and the unaccommodating amount of stress it bears. I am constantly tugged at both ends of deeply rooted spectrums: on one end, I want to do it all and do it well but run the risk of spreading myself thinly amongst too many desires, but on the other end, I could narrow down my aspirations to a focused few but may have to live with remindful regrets of what-ifs. It's an itching distress and annoyingly cursing to hold this characteristic and then always ending up feeling disappointed over more and more shortcomings rather than proud of the journeys traveled. Sometimes, I feel so pressured to fulfill my promise to perfection that I'd rather give it all up before coming to a less-than-satisfactory conclusion. If there is a better, I want to seize it. If there is a best, I want to devour it. But this ponderous heart of mine feels overwhelmed with wanting to finally be full and happy but instead, staying hungry and unsatisfied. I'm always craving more, no matter what the circumstance but it's put me at a constant uncomfortable ease of miserable measures. What started out as my pure motivation transformed into a permanent disheartened state of mind.
Mediocrity has become more of my mentality than it is my reality. Maybe rather than comprehending it as the perception of inadequacy, I should welcome it as a measure of my persisting hustle--grayed benchmarks of where I'm at and where I still hope to go. Conquer slowly. Swallow fully.
Photography by KMTBPhotography