Call it a personal sabbatical, if you will. A mental hiatus from everyday life to rewire my emotional clockwork. I reached an ultimate low within the last few months (has it really been 4 months?), one where I sank so deep under the pits of my own darkness that I found a home in hollowed solitude. Each layer of my once thickened shell crumbled to the point where I felt unfamiliarly naked in desolate air and distant from my own skin. And I became quite fond of the emptiness I woke up to each morning, carrying life like a bag of tired wrinkles. It seemed as though coming back from this hole deemed more exhaustive than worth exerting effort for. So I stood. Unable to look back. Unwilling to move forward. Standstill in sand, still.
Well, here I am (yup, it really has been 4 months). Whole and all. Full and tall. I finally addressed parts of myself I was too afraid to face all these years. And I tirelessly fought, even approached the edge of giving up several times, but soon discovered that those parts of me did not define my greater purpose. Rather, they were scars from my bruised past creeping into my present depths and awaiting moments to tear me down. But I overcame and prevailed to share my story of finding my path out of the darkness, and battling my way towards a better self, stronger and happier. I created my own light out of the broken pieces collected all these years. And now, my life feels fuller and incandescently brighter. I'm confident enough to say that I've finally found myself--maybe not all of it, but I've finally uncovered the truer "me" buried underneath mounds of self-doubt, insecurity, and mental madness. Today, I am finding parts of me that I didn't know existed before and loving myself more and more.
I'm embarking on a new self journey. One that is immensely fulfilling and grandiose with love. And I'm taking you with me because I want to pass on this wonderful revelation:
You are more than the shield of skin protecting you from withering feats. You are stronger than the armor constructed to withstand brutality. You are the ever glowing soft skin blanketed across your passionate beating heart and illuminating inflated lungs. You are the bristled hairs sprouting from your radiating energy within. You are the the pain you wear in your eyes while you hold strength roundly in your arms. You are the miles walked across this perilous earth on your own two scathed feet. You are victorious in all the battles you've faced, both eminent or insignificant. You are your own warrior, fighting for you and you only.
I am a warrior, not for the strength I display, but for the pain I freely bestow. I don't judge my wars by the victories I've conquered, but by the scars and wounds that carved me to the intangible core and have taught me more about myself. It's not my battles that make me invincible, but the ability to share the struggle endured along the way that makes me fierce and proud to share. I am golden. I am livened. I am mine.
Photography by Peggy Chi
Makeup by Endy Michelle