Little Mai Sunshine: Wholeness
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Monday, August 7, 2017

Wholeness



Old Navy striped button-down c/o // Tobi bathing suit c/o // Tobi shorts c/o // Target slippers // Forever 21 earrings

In light of a lot of events that have occured in my life, it's become habitual for those close to me to ask "Are you okay?" At first, I absolutely hated it. I hated that I became that person my friends and family had to constantly worry about. And not that I wasn't grateful for their concerns to check in on me, but I didn't like that I was that person in their lives who needed tending to. I always believed I was the one who had to take care of others, that was my purpose, and if people saw my vulnerability, my credibility would be taken away from me, and I'd feel helpless. So I made it my mission to always "be okay", have it together, and get it together because if not for me, do it for those who rely on me. If I had to, I'd fake it until I made it. 

Except, as much as I surfaced a comfortable level of "okayness" to get me by each day, it still wasn't enough to feel good about myself because I was neglecting parts of myself that were asking for my attention. I was ignoring broken pieces I carried in my pockets because I was afraid grasping them would cut open wounds I wasn't ready to open up. And it wasn't enough for me to live such a double life of either my "togethered" side or my darker, more vulnerable side. It was exhausting to bucket parts of me as separate entities, rather than accept them all as one whole schema of who I truly am. If I couldn't even understand what it meant to "be okay" all the time, then who I was I really fooling other than leading the foolish life I lived? 

It wasn't "okay" I wanted. I realized I wanted wholesomeness. I wanted to feel true to myself and I wanted to be okay with who I am, not okay with what I thought I was supposed to be. And I was more frustrated with how I didn't know how to convey that in an answer whenever someone asked me if I was okay. Because truthfully, I'm really not okay 85% of the time and THAT'S what I'm really okay with. I know I carry enough love within me to hold happiness for others, I can get through each day with inklings of hope and glimpses of light, and that's what really matters to me. That's enough for me.

I may not fully comprehend what my mind and body communicate to me on a daily basis, but I know that I can count on feeling whole, even if it isn't synonymous with being "okay". Because day by day, I'm growing within myself and I know the end result will surpass the "okayness" I've been striving for. In fact, it'll be as grand as the sea in my heart, and only then will I know that I never wanted to "be okay", I just wanted to be better.


Photography by Steven Chen

4 comments

Monday, August 7, 2017

Wholeness



Old Navy striped button-down c/o // Tobi bathing suit c/o // Tobi shorts c/o // Target slippers // Forever 21 earrings

In light of a lot of events that have occured in my life, it's become habitual for those close to me to ask "Are you okay?" At first, I absolutely hated it. I hated that I became that person my friends and family had to constantly worry about. And not that I wasn't grateful for their concerns to check in on me, but I didn't like that I was that person in their lives who needed tending to. I always believed I was the one who had to take care of others, that was my purpose, and if people saw my vulnerability, my credibility would be taken away from me, and I'd feel helpless. So I made it my mission to always "be okay", have it together, and get it together because if not for me, do it for those who rely on me. If I had to, I'd fake it until I made it. 

Except, as much as I surfaced a comfortable level of "okayness" to get me by each day, it still wasn't enough to feel good about myself because I was neglecting parts of myself that were asking for my attention. I was ignoring broken pieces I carried in my pockets because I was afraid grasping them would cut open wounds I wasn't ready to open up. And it wasn't enough for me to live such a double life of either my "togethered" side or my darker, more vulnerable side. It was exhausting to bucket parts of me as separate entities, rather than accept them all as one whole schema of who I truly am. If I couldn't even understand what it meant to "be okay" all the time, then who I was I really fooling other than leading the foolish life I lived? 

It wasn't "okay" I wanted. I realized I wanted wholesomeness. I wanted to feel true to myself and I wanted to be okay with who I am, not okay with what I thought I was supposed to be. And I was more frustrated with how I didn't know how to convey that in an answer whenever someone asked me if I was okay. Because truthfully, I'm really not okay 85% of the time and THAT'S what I'm really okay with. I know I carry enough love within me to hold happiness for others, I can get through each day with inklings of hope and glimpses of light, and that's what really matters to me. That's enough for me.

I may not fully comprehend what my mind and body communicate to me on a daily basis, but I know that I can count on feeling whole, even if it isn't synonymous with being "okay". Because day by day, I'm growing within myself and I know the end result will surpass the "okayness" I've been striving for. In fact, it'll be as grand as the sea in my heart, and only then will I know that I never wanted to "be okay", I just wanted to be better.


Photography by Steven Chen

4 comments