Little Mai Sunshine: 2017 Twists of My Heart - Part II
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Monday, January 29, 2018

2017 Twists of My Heart - Part II

H&M teddy coat // Urban Outfitters cropped sweater // NastyGal skirt // Amazon Fashion OTK boots

2017 Twists of My Heart (cont.)

You know the feeling of when someone asks you a question and you know you know the answer but for some reason, you draw a blank and all you have is a faint sketch of a blurry phrase. It's floating right there at the edge of your mind, yet, somehow you can't properly articulate it. So the concept of it sits amidst, a mass of frustratingly undetermined...until the answer finally comes to you much, much later on.

That's as precisely as how I felt for a good portion of my life when I had to truly think about who I was, and ultimately, what made me happy to be me. Until I finally discovered my sincerest identity. The one who isn’t perturbed by outside judgments and perceptions. The one who isn’t afraid to be exposed and honest. The one who is comfortable to be freely herself in her own skin, blatantly and brazenly. I discovered a grander beauty in the submission to vulnerability--to chivalrously hold my heart on my sleeves and audaciously walk with my insecurities front facing so when the sun shines, it illuminates my praiseful flaws and wholesome incompleteness before anything else. My freshly peeled condition of self-trust has yielded a more genuine strength boiled within me than the ubiquitous personal shield I polish each night to routinely mask over my doubts each morning. My newly resolute character has opened up my internal perception to a world of clarity and confirmation. 

I have finally learned that my happy is the happy that is both fragile and strong, both malleable and immovable, both fluctuating and consistent. I've learned that my happy is one where I can still love myself but still question myself, a welcoming cycle of non-committal settlement. One where I choose its own circumstance at however pace, however impulsive, and however permanent its nature at the distinction of my own disposition because I've learned that this is completely in my control. My happy is an ever-growing work in progress but an exciting one nonetheless where the unpredictable is vindicated by the trust in the timing of my life and the newly-found conviction that things do work out and everything ends up being okay. And I've had enough experiences to have proven that the input of my dedication and hard work do not go unnoticed and are always invested for a greater purpose in the near future. I've learned that my happy is not another's happy--it is unconditionally my own and that everyone is entitled to happinesses uniquely, variably, and rhythmically theirs. 

2018 is the year I take charge of my dreams and goals as the person I'm inevitably meant to be. To set forth loosely determined intentions with myself as top priority:

1. Drink more water and stay well-rested.
2. Read more books and write more poetry.
3. Forgive the mistakes but learn from the ache. 
4. Apologize within reason but intend unapologetically.
5. Explore more places and absorb new cultures.
6. Be openly aware and habitually practice mindfulness.
7. Embrace more self-love and credit my successes.
8. Challenge deeply, determine greatly, fail gracefully.
9. Be patient with my life. Trust its own timing.
10. Take days off.

2017 was the year of rebuild and recovery, stripped down and chiseled to personal conviction, but 2018 is the year I establish my own empire. One month down, eleven more to go.

Photography by Steven Chen

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Monday, January 29, 2018

2017 Twists of My Heart - Part II

H&M teddy coat // Urban Outfitters cropped sweater // NastyGal skirt // Amazon Fashion OTK boots

2017 Twists of My Heart (cont.)

You know the feeling of when someone asks you a question and you know you know the answer but for some reason, you draw a blank and all you have is a faint sketch of a blurry phrase. It's floating right there at the edge of your mind, yet, somehow you can't properly articulate it. So the concept of it sits amidst, a mass of frustratingly undetermined...until the answer finally comes to you much, much later on.

That's as precisely as how I felt for a good portion of my life when I had to truly think about who I was, and ultimately, what made me happy to be me. Until I finally discovered my sincerest identity. The one who isn’t perturbed by outside judgments and perceptions. The one who isn’t afraid to be exposed and honest. The one who is comfortable to be freely herself in her own skin, blatantly and brazenly. I discovered a grander beauty in the submission to vulnerability--to chivalrously hold my heart on my sleeves and audaciously walk with my insecurities front facing so when the sun shines, it illuminates my praiseful flaws and wholesome incompleteness before anything else. My freshly peeled condition of self-trust has yielded a more genuine strength boiled within me than the ubiquitous personal shield I polish each night to routinely mask over my doubts each morning. My newly resolute character has opened up my internal perception to a world of clarity and confirmation. 

I have finally learned that my happy is the happy that is both fragile and strong, both malleable and immovable, both fluctuating and consistent. I've learned that my happy is one where I can still love myself but still question myself, a welcoming cycle of non-committal settlement. One where I choose its own circumstance at however pace, however impulsive, and however permanent its nature at the distinction of my own disposition because I've learned that this is completely in my control. My happy is an ever-growing work in progress but an exciting one nonetheless where the unpredictable is vindicated by the trust in the timing of my life and the newly-found conviction that things do work out and everything ends up being okay. And I've had enough experiences to have proven that the input of my dedication and hard work do not go unnoticed and are always invested for a greater purpose in the near future. I've learned that my happy is not another's happy--it is unconditionally my own and that everyone is entitled to happinesses uniquely, variably, and rhythmically theirs. 

2018 is the year I take charge of my dreams and goals as the person I'm inevitably meant to be. To set forth loosely determined intentions with myself as top priority:

1. Drink more water and stay well-rested.
2. Read more books and write more poetry.
3. Forgive the mistakes but learn from the ache. 
4. Apologize within reason but intend unapologetically.
5. Explore more places and absorb new cultures.
6. Be openly aware and habitually practice mindfulness.
7. Embrace more self-love and credit my successes.
8. Challenge deeply, determine greatly, fail gracefully.
9. Be patient with my life. Trust its own timing.
10. Take days off.

2017 was the year of rebuild and recovery, stripped down and chiseled to personal conviction, but 2018 is the year I establish my own empire. One month down, eleven more to go.

Photography by Steven Chen

Post a Comment