[ Yummie ] Sunshine Alone
But, as someone who both strives for and lives by the light, I’ve learned that even the sun needs to hide behind the shadows on some days—taking a break from being the bright energy it is and let the gray clouds reign control for a while. On these days, I also find my own brilliant energy fading and the pressure to be the all encompassing Mai Sunshine sometimes weighs dauntingly heavier when I can’t seem to live up to its name, feigning its glowing ambiance when I actually resemble a wrecked and shattered asteroid inside.
In these times, I loathe myself for setting such a cumbersome curse upon my name. I thought by identifying myself as positively such, I’d always reach for hopeful gleam of strength and power, but in turn, I’ve simultaneously created this impossible feat to constantly strive for this greatness, in a way where the expression “smile through the pain” has extended throughout my body. I’ve set myself up for never being able to be enough for myself and my permanently tattooed mantra. On the days I can’t muster up my own sunshine, I inevitably disappoint myself when the rain aggressively downpours.
“A person can’t be expected to live on sunshine alone. A person can’t be expected to survive on nothing but their own bright power, but, it’s a tempting dream — to be free, independent, untouchable.” - Madame Clairvoyant
And maybe that’s the true beauty of positive eminence, that I can still see the sun rising through even on the darkest days.
People always ask me why I chose the name “Little Mai Sunshine”.
The short answer: I was talking to a guy back in high school and we had to use AIM because of limited text messaging (remember when we were charged 10 cents per message?!) and the fastest thing I could come up with on the spot before I lost his interest was maisunshine.
The long answer: Besides the fact that it has a nice almost-rhyme to it, the name reminds me that I am a person of light. That my energy thrives on the brightly shine of the natural super star of our universe and I aspire to be the human version of it on earth.
Okay, so that wasn’t exactly what came to mind during its birth, but over the years, as I clung to it more, I realized it turned out to be fortuitously self-exemplary. It’s a lovely concept to live by and it has done true wonders for me, both internally and socially. I love that I can brand myself as someone who always looks for the light in things and can publicly express to others that we all shine in our own ways. Even literally, my first tattoo being the French word of light (“lumiere”). I love that my positive messaging perfectly aligns with a screen name that had no original meaning but now has grown to be my entire path in life.
They say you only truly appreciate the sun after the rain. Or was it something along the lines of appreciating the flowers that you realize the rain was necessary? In either case, the lesson remains the same: gratitude breeds from understanding absence. It is only when something is lost, do we reflect on its significance. When something comes back, we enthrallingly embrace its entire presence to fill the void it left in our lives. The point is, you can’t have light without the dark just like the sun can’t live without the moon. The shadows are the contrast we need to bask in the luminescent reflections.
I’ve come to love my moments of darkness as necessary movements of evident growth. It is in these graying times that I’ve learned hidden parts of myself I wouldn’t have seen in the light of my happiness, and that my wellbeing isn’t wholly reliant on this spreading energy of ceaseless shine. I can find lustrous solace in my shadows, too.