Collapsed
"No matter how careful you are, there’s going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn’t experience it all. There’s that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should’ve been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That’s how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice."
c/o
// Club Monaco jumpsuit //
cardigan c/o // Jessica Simpson heels
There are times when I would watch my life move in speed motion. Its kinetic momentum moving sharply through thin air. And there I am, steadfast, counting the breaths escaping my exasperated lungs. How much longer before I can catch up again? Autopilot would be a whole lot easier. But I'm not one to let go of unclaimed pieces. I'd rather spend my lapsed time picking up pitiful fragments along the pace-less warp because I feel the dire need to watch forgotten possibilities unfold in parallel scenarios, fearing regret and finding justifications to decisive reality. Just let fate take the wheel as I consider the could-have-beens, should-have-beens, maybes, ifs, and the rest of this lost, subversive neverland. I won't feel satisfied until then, and it's an unfortunate inconvenience when the satiated half of me is living in fast pace with the wind whipping further beneath me while I stand frozen at alternative crossroads.
I catch myself finding past moments when I wish things unfolded differently. Something as little as "Maybe I should've gone to senior prom" to something more regrettable like "I wish I had started my blog earlier." Whatever it is, I'll always have this pressing notion in the back of my mind telling me I could have done better, if not differently. That feeling of an opportunity, now forever vanished unbeknownst to reality, that could have created something greater if only my intuition convinced me more vividly. And then I sit wondering how my life would be otherwise, beating myself up over a false reality that holds a small chance of something better. Because to me, a present life of what is and what isn't will not be enough compared to the decisions I didn't make. I have a habit of holding onto the lost, if only to justify things that don't make sense in the now. It's quite the downfall for someone who wants to keep pushing forward but has a sentimental heart for the neglected. Reminiscing over the strange ironies of realized outcomes and missing events that never happened.
It's easy to get carried away in a daydream of possibilities. You become so indulged with the idea of making up a whole new reality based off a game of what-ifs that you undermine the value of fated consequences and the beauty of "everything happens for a reason." Even if we never find out what that reason is, every opportunity is a blessing, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not.
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Photography by KMTBPhotography